The Wavering Balance

I SAID that Maggie went home that evening from the Red Deeps with a mental conflict already begun. You have seen clearly enough in her interview with Philip, what that conflict was. Here suddenly was an opening in the rocky wall which shut in the narrow Valley of Humiliation, where all her prospect was the remote unfathomed sky; and some of the memory-haunting earthly delights were no longer out of her reach. She might have books, converse, affection - she might hear tidings of the world from which her mind had not yet lost its sense of exile; and it would be a kindness to Philip too, who was pitiable - clearly not happy; and perhaps here was an opportunity indicated for making her mind more worthy of its highest service - perhaps the noblest, completest devoutness could hardly exist without some width of knowledge: must she always live in this resigned imprisonment? It was so blameless, so good a thing that there should be friendship between her and Philip; the motives that forbade it were so unreasonable - so unchristian! - But the severe monotonous warning came again and again - that she was losing the simplicity and clearness of her life by admitting a ground of concealment, and that by forsaking the simple rule of renunciation, she was throwing herself under the seductive guidance of illimitable wants. She thought she had won strength to obey the warning before she allowed herself the next week to turn her steps in the evening to the Red Deeps. But while she was resolved to say an affectionate farewell to Philip, how she looked forward to that evening walk in the still, fleckered shade of the hollows, away from all that was harsh and unlovely; to the affectionate admiring looks that would meet her; to the sense of comradeship that childish memories would give to wiser, older talk; to the certainty that Philip would care to hear everything she said, which no one else cared for! It was a half hour that it would be very hard to turn her back upon, with the sense that there would be no other like it. Yet she said what she meant to say: she looked firm as well as sad. `Philip, I have made up my mind - it is right that we should give each other up, in everything but memory. I could not see you without concealment - say, I know what you are going to say - it is another peoples wrong feelings that make concealment necessary - but concealment is bad, however it may be caused: I feel that it would be bad for me, for us both. And then, if our secret were discovered, there would be nothing but misery - dreadful anger - and then we must part after all, and it would be harder, when we were used to seeing each other.

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